i am a MEGalopolis

I am but one of many currently reflecting on and reimagining life as 2012 begins. I almost always approach the new year with optimism - and why not? Nothing has been tainted with errors or tragedies yet. If I remember correctly, this usually breaks around my end-of-March birthday when my expectations of myself reach such epic proportions as to never be fulfilled, or something outside of my control collapses and I am left to clean the mess. Each time, though I am hopeful, I await the other shoe’s descent, certain it will come.

This year is different.

I can’t go into 2012 without talking about 2011 and how important it was for me. I think, as a person who is continually growing and adapting, I don’t fully realize the significance of each moment and turning point until far after the fact. I’m too busy trying to survive. But, something happened to me last year that changed everything. Those that know me knew I wasn’t usually one for sweeping romantic declarations, but I met the love of my life in March of 2011 and released myself from every pretense of unsentimentality I had.

I don’t usually write about these things. Several years ago, I kept a paper journal while in the middle of an on-again, off-again relationship so fraught with emotional power plays that I lost all semblance of myself. I veered so far in the wrong direction that it took me years - nearly as many as the relationship lasted - to get back. Prior to this, that journal was the only time I had ever written about a relationship. I guess I considered the activity useless, as it would end anyway, and then I would be left with a journal filled with scratches of some guy’s name in hearts. I couldn’t fathom the idea of writing something adult and mature about love, which is a revealing fact unto itself. Now I can.

I started 2011 working at a fairly well-known talent management company whose owner has a reputation for being, well, irrational and horrendous to work for. The NDA I signed precludes me from sharing any further details. At that point, I had survived there for 6 months (mostly as the sole assistant) and lapped several prior first and incoming second assistants. I stayed for almost a year and a half - I quit in late October 2011. I was the longest lasting assistant in 6 years. I can say, without ego, that it is a real feat to succeed in such a supremely negative environment. When I met Nat in March, I felt obligated to stay in my job out of a sense of loyalty. Something that was never reciprocated to me, of course. I thought I needed it, and in some perverse way, deserved the abuse. That if I could take enough hits, eventually I would be rewarded somehow. Essentially, I didn’t have the courage to explain that I was miserable and stuck in a dead-end, soul-crushing job.

It wasn’t until May that I started to really acknowledge the cracks that I always knew were there. Not being able to, for example, take a morning off for an allergic reaction. Or, getting tons of shit for leaving an hour and a half early for the first time in the 10 months I was there. They started to panic that I was interviewing. I consider that to be the beginning of the end. I learned a great deal there. I now have several very close, important friends in my life because of that job. It also allowed me to meet Nat, so I am beyond grateful I had that experience and am happy to let it go and move on. I wouldn’t have had that much needed perspective without Nat being in my life. Throughout my tumultuous job, my practically non-existent relationship with my family, countless stress-inducers, he was steady and supportive and loving. I’m not a woman who defines herself by the man she is with, but it made all the difference.

Over the course of the year, our relationship grew organically. It was easy. It continues to be easy. He made me feel free - I was open and honest and let him really see me. I didn’t shove things in boxes. I didn’t run. He was open and honest and let me really see him. He was pure and worth holding on to. We became best friends. We calmly talk about issues that arise and reach solutions joyfully. Of the myriad of happy memories we have together, (Christmas with his family was really amazing and deserves its own post) I like 4th of July the most. We fell in love watching fireworks on the beach. We told each other 2 days later. He is solid and our relationship is real. It created the foundation of peace that allowed me to remove all the tired, draining aspects of my life and better myself. We take care of each other. We have started to build a life together. He is a really good man and we are truly happy.

2011, for me, was a clearing out. I shed my job, my apartment, an old friendship. It was a lot of change, and it was stressful and emotional. What was left, when I looked around, was an incredible partner, true and valuable friends who stood by me and helped me when I needed it, and a clearer, more assured picture of myself. I don’t have to put my armor back on. I don’t have to hold my breath and charge head first into a storm. For all the years that I had been fighting to keep myself by myself, now I have an army. We defend the magic of life.

The ground of 2012 is new and therefore a bit shaky. But, I can move forward now. I can build - brick by brick. There will be dust, but it is just dust. I will stabilize my career. In August, Nat and I will move in together, and at some point this year, we will get engaged. I will travel more with the people I love. I will continue to let go of the past and work for the future. I know it will be good. It will be a great year. I am genuinely excited for all that will come and all I will do.

I’ve seen many lament 2011. I understand. But I am humbled and grateful. I can’t thank 2011 enough for everything it has brought me and opened my eyes to. I am better for all of it.